It’s the 8th of April. Here we are. In quarantine. Leaving the condo grounds only for groceries. Once a week. The days are long. And my toddler has changed. 
My toddler is not exhausted anymore. She barely sleeps during the day, ever since quarantine started. And I don’t get a day break anymore. 
My hopes for early bedtime (and *am I allowed to even put those words in my mouth* ‘Me Time’) are being destroyed every night when she SIMPLY DOESNT GO DOWN BEFORE 11pm. To then wake up multiple times during the night screaming so loud and long and tantruming heavily while nothing really helps to soothe. Until I am wide awake and unable to sleep for another while. 

There are all these emotions inside of me. I am too tired to work them out. I am too awake to put them aside. I am stuck. So stuck.

And yet, just go with the flow, they say. Just do what they do. It’s a phase. It comes and goes. It’ll pass. It comes. It passes. It comes. I feel, it only comes. It just happens. It hits me hard. It hits me so hard. Every time. Every single time, my life is put on hold. Nothing is as it was before. 

Nothing is really planable anymore. My ‘Me Time’ stopped being reliable. The daily dose of peace and quiet has disappeared. The confrontation of change is hitting me so hard. I am confronted with that new phase of her. It’s the sudden change. The change of rhythm, the change of daily flow, the change of energy. And I fight the fact that there is no day nap, aka no day breaks anymore.

I fight the fact that I don’t get enough sleep. I fight the fact that my projects are on hold until who knows when. I fight the fact that my life has slowed down. I fight the fact that I am so tired that even the slightest amount of ‘Me Time’ I potentially get is never really productive enough to make me feel like I’m participating in life. I even fight with my husband. I fight everything. And I am definitely not in balance anymore.

Until after a couple of days. Until I realize that the change has happened. Until I get that something is not the same way anymore. And that realization is heaven in my head. The world stands still. Literally. It’s relieving me from all of this load. From all this internal fight. From all of these emotions. It’s so quiet inside of me. It’s so lovely. I feel so powerful. 
Suddenly. I begin to accept what has changed. I accept the fact that it’ll take me some days to bring my energy up again. And I am ok with that. Suddenly. I begin to adapt. I look at my options. I build the new Me around that change. A new rhythm. A new flow. A new energy. I feel the storm is simply a storm and I am weathering what’s happening. 

Do I appreciate the change? No. I hate the change. I hate the fact that my toddler’s change hits me so hard every time. I hate the fact that I am externally forced to adjust. Yeah, I hate all that. I really hate it. I really don’t want all that. Until later. Until some time later, when I do appreciate the change. When I really do. Appreciation is growing over time. I appreciate the options that the change has given me. And I appreciate being able to let go of old things. And I am proud of what I have overcome. Proud of being so capable to grow from whatever change life has thrown at me. Thankful for this experience. And especially thankful that I managed to grow from it personally.

If only… if only my toddler wouldn’t change again. If only my toddler wouldn’t put me in this situation again. If only it would have been the last forced change in a very long time. In forever maybe? Please?

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